This week I will turn 55. In my mind I officially become old. Don’t bother me with your proclamations that you are only as old as you feel. Or only as young as you feel. Rubbish. I’m old.
I’ve wished for my own death so many times, to find myself still alive is to say the least, perplexing.
But here I am. And for better or worse I continue to be here.
You play the hand you are dealt. The world around me will still give moments of intense bliss and then in the next second a devastating blow… this is life.
It’s the same for everyone.
The longest game and no one can guess what each other’s ultimate goal really is.
I believe I know where I’m heading.
And the question I will put to others this week…
What is your long game? Where are you heading?
And the haunting question I ask myself in the 3am hour when the world is still and my mind is racing…
Have I done enough to right the wrongs?
May 1, 2013
What is it about moving.? You pack your belongings but spend more time sifting through boxes of old memories. I can get lost in the past. Will this move cause my history to fall even further away? Become more distant?
At one of our weekly lunches Dad told me he dropped off his prized childhood books at the local second hand store. Sandy wanted him to clear stuff from their basement and she said the books had to go. They were treasures to Dad and he couldn’t bear to just throw them away. He didn’t think the shop-keeper was that impressed but he left them there instead of in a garbage bin. Dad being sad made me sad. I could see Dad had been crying.
After lunch I drove to the store and got the books back. There was no way Dad should lose his books. They would stay with me. I would keep his memories safe. I felt a little foolish explaining this to the guy at the store. No matter, the books and Dad’s feelings needed to be saved. I phoned Dad to tell him I retrieved the books. He quietly thanked me.
Now I’ve pulled them from the back of my closet. Dad’s been gone for a long time and there’s no need to keep them anymore. My move to a smaller place means things have to be tossed. I hate moving. I love tangible evidence of thoughts and times past. I chose one book to stay with me and gave up the others.
I hate everything about moving. I want concrete contact of every precious moment that happened here. I fear when I leave this place the people I have now lost will be truly gone. If I can’t sit here and remember them sitting beside me then what will happen. Will the memory just fade away? I’m so afraid it will. My heart breaks to even imagine this could happen. Is it my one last connection with the people that made me so happy? Am I moving on?
I fear I will never be happy again and leaving here will cement the condition.
Did Dad morn losing his childhood books as his last touchstone to his boyhood? And does it really matter that I hold one for him now. I just don’t know what makes our hearts yearn this much. I only know we do.
Like father, like daughter.
April 24, 2013
Do you know the image of the dead zombie in those scary movies? The camera slowly moves in and then pans down to the hand. There’s sinister music creating a tense feel as the pictures holds on the frame. Then just as you take a breath and think the beast is finally dead a finger moves. The music squeals and everyone knows the creature is alive. It will come back for revenge!
This is how I view my life.
Too many times I have been there lying on the ground. Beaten to a pulp. All resources gone. Every defense exhausted. Each avenue blocked. No chance for a comeback. Over. Finished. Seemingly dead.
Then one finger moves.
This makes me laugh because it’s how I feel. I’ve lain on the proverbial ground with no hope of recovery. I’ve waited and wondered if this was it. Sometimes it’s a long wait. This is where I have learned patience. Out of nowhere the smallest switch is flicked. It never fails. I will move. I will get up. I will come back. You should be afraid.
I have so little faith in anything. I trust nothing. Hope is not an option. The dead zombie, finger moving, revenge thing is what I know. It’s worked so often I now foreshadow the moment even as others around comfort me at another defeat. I might be crying in a heap, unable to move forward. I might have lost a huge battle or be crushed by abuse. I might be facing the worst odds. It’s at those moments I can stand outside the scene and know the script.
One zombie finger moves.
(from the soon to be published “The Long Game” by Tricia Barker)
April 10, 2013
My intent is to start writing a blog…..
During a client’s session yesterday I stopped and wrote the word “intent” on my hand. A reminder to myself of how important the intent of my thought was. I was explaining how we don’t always follow our own intentions. She wanted to lose weight but wasn’t doing anything to reach the goal. So clearly her intent to stop eating wasn’t strong enough to override her other intentions. Like stuffing her face with crap food late in the evening… or the excuse of constantly having to eat at restaurants for her work. She tried to convince me how impossible it was for her.
In my mind I felt that what we did each day was a huge indicator of our intentions. I am clearly wrong. We may have great intentions but never fulfill them. This thought made me realize where we go wrong so often as human beings. Our intentions are not always apparent. Crap. This is not good.
This leads to confusion and too many arguments amongst people. Of course it does. Someone does something and it pisses you off…. Do you calmly sit down with the offender and ask if that was their intention? Never. We just get mad.
Assumptions probably lead to more break-ups than affairs.
There are two issues.
One is pretty easy. We fully intend to do or act a certain way and we don’t. Very straight forward. There is a reason for you to get upset at yourself and for others to also get upset. Yes, you can also throw forgiveness in the scenario and we should. We are not perfect and life is hard. We do the best we can. We fuck up. The only time I get pissed off in this scenario is when people give me long blablabla’s of excuses which can only mean they are entrenched in denial. Every personal trainer has heard too many false claims to ever think it’s anything else.
The other situation is when you are working away, living your life, pursuing your intent with all you have and it’s misconstrued. “What… no, I didn’t do that because I wanted to screw you around… I did it for a good thing”. Even if you are intelligent, honest and have tons of integrity things can go wrong. You can screw up with the best of intention. This is the really sad scenario. You are left broken. You did your best with an intention of only good and things still fell apart.
This sucks. It’s heartbreaking. We want the people around us to give us the benefit of the doubt.
When I’m mad at someone I first try to say to myself. “Did they get up this morning with the intent to hurt me? Was that the goal, to make me cry or cause me pain?” If the answer is no, I like to think my next question would be to ask what went wrong. I try not to judge.
We are only frail people and we make mistakes all the time. Very few of us wake up wanting to cause someone else pain.
I hope I get the benefit of the doubt. I want my friends to always know my intent is for their happiness. A simple fact I don’t feel should be questioned. It’s who I am. It’s who most humans are.
As for the clients that abandon their intent to lose weight. Make peace with yourself and your excuses and stop eating. Your lack of intent isn’t working anymore.