Around the time people started to suggest I write a book I started to fantasize on being interviewed about this yet unwritten novel. Yes, this is weird and terribly narcissistic.
If you want to procrastinate, contemplating famous interviewers asking you questions is a great pastime. I am a prolific procrastinator.
The habit started decades ago when the ultimate was to be on Oprah’s couch. Write a book and have Oprah like it made an instant best-seller and you wealthy. This storyline didn’t last long because I was never a huge Oprah fan and more important, I had not started writing a book.
Fast-forward through the years… Rosie O’Donnell would ask me hilarious questions and I would be just as funny in my replies. Matt Lauer, with a full head of hair, had insightful thoughts. Ellen DeGeneres wanted to know why I didn’t like to dance. Katie Couric inquired about my childhood trauma. Larry King was just crazy.
All of these conversations were alive in my head. I would see the set, the cameras, hell, I even imagined my nerves. Clearly I watched far too much US television.
As I started concrete work on my book the imaginary interviews toned down. This was all becoming much too real. The daunting reality of it set in. You actually had to write a book, finish it and publish the sucker for someone to care.
Yet I still procrastinate and what better way than to take a walk and imagine a famous interviewer asking me questions. (Yes, I’m still narcissistic.) Who could resist thinking about being on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson? I would get to meet Geoff the robot!
For years I thought about being on CKNW with Bill Good. Dad would have been so proud. Bill retired and my focused switched to Michael Eckford. Mike’s a great interviewer and better still, I had finished writing my book. Somehow this might all just work; fantasy becomes reality.
Then Mike Eckford retired. My book is nowhere near being published.
There is just one last hope. My best go-to fake interview has always been with Jon Stewart of the Daily Show. I’ve got the whole encounter scripted. The trip to New York. Meeting all the people on the show. Sitting in that chair with Jon across the desk. Trying to breathe because I can’t believe I’m actually talking to the man I’ve worshiped for years. I imagine Jon telling me he has one specific story in my book that touched him the most.
Now I’ll never know which one it is.
Jon Stewart is retiring from the Daily Show at the end of the summer.
The dream will officially be dead.