It’s on these big, important days when I miss the kids the most. When asked why it happens, I just shrug. But in the weeks leading up to this birthday every image seems to trigger a memory of what used to be.
For twelve years we gathered for a group shot on my birthday. There will be no picture this year. There will be no celebration without them.
I’ve been told I’m being ridiculous. Living in the past. Being overly sentimental. My lack of response gives a hint as to the devastation. From my open wound I am unable to defend my sorrow.
So I bask in the tears.
And on these days I live with my memories.
A few people will tell me I should be happy for what was. With all due respect, I say, “fuck off.” Don’t spout that wisdom today. Of course I know I should count my blessings. It has become my mantra. But not today, please, not today.
Right now my only solace is learning empathy for those that have also lost the ones they love.
How do you carry on?
Especially on these big, important days.